Danny Trejo's Slice of Life: Machete

See the movie, buy the toy – Danny Trejo is an icon at last.

And you thought your grandpa was feisty! At the ripe young age of 66, Danny Trejo, a.k.a. That Scary Guy You Saw In That One Movie One Time, has finally gotten a chance to star in his own action flick. Opening today, Machete is based on the once-fake trailer that kicked off the movie Grindhouse. That, in turn, was based on a more toned-down, family friendly version of the character from Robert Rodriguez’s Spy Kids movies, in which he was basically a more grizzled take on James Bond’s Q.

But who needs spy gadgets when you’ve got a big-@$$ knife? Framed for an assassination attempt on a vigorously anti-immigration Senator (Robert De Niro), Machete must chop-chop to find those responsible. Along the way, he encounters a pudgy, quite-orange Steven Seagal, and Lindsey Lohan, who plays a violent, erratic cocaine user. Let no one say that Lindsay's not dedicated to her craft. She's been getting into character for fifteen years.

And while the head-slicing and intestinal bungee-jumping (think we're exaggerating, do ya?) may not be family friendly, there’s one thing Machete does have in common with his former Spy Kid costars – an action figure! Thanks to the good folks at NECA, a plastic rendition of Trejo and his machetes can finally terrorize the would-be evil Federales on your toy shelf. When it comes to old-man toys wielding bladed weapons, even Yoda might have to take a backseat for once.

Machete opens (bad guys' chest cavities) today in theaters everywhere.

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