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Fri, 18 Jan '13

Courageous Coots: Top 5 Old-Guys-Kicking-Ass Movies

Don't even go near their lawn.

This weekend, the former Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger (a.k.a. Ahhhhhhhnold) makes his return to non-Expendables action movies in The Last Stand (his first starring role since Terminator 3), where he plays an inexplicably-Austrian small town sheriff. Mr. Schwarzenegger is 65 years young, and he's still out there beating up/shooting bad guys, who are, in this case, Mexican drug runners. Old guys can still kick a lot of ass (as if you didn't already know that) and there've been several great movies on this very subject. Here are our top 5.

COMICSRambo (2008) - Sylvester Stallone seems determined to prove he's still got the tough-guy chops, even though he's currently 66 years old. Back when he was merely 62, he made the third sequel to First Blood, which happened to have a zillion times the body count as the original. In fact, for only a 92-minute movie, there are an average of 2.59 killings per minute! That's just absolutely insane. Sly also co-wrote and directed the film, which is a feat in and of itself. Good job, sir; you made a movie where you kill roughly 240 people and still made it quite decent. Kudos.

COMICSHobo with a Shotgun (2011) - The movie may have started as a fake trailer for Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino's Grindhouse, but it became an over-the-top gruesome clean-up-the-town-and-take-revenge movie starring 67-year-old Rutger Hauer as the titular gun-toting tramp. With a town as overrun with corruption, terror and violence as the one depicted in the film, you need someone a little off the deep end. Poor guy just wanted to buy a lawnmower to start an honest job, but instead he had to pick up a trusty, seemingly always-loaded pump-action. Somebody had to; why not an old train-jumper? Boy, this paragraph contains a high number of hyphens.

COMICSTrue Grit (1969) - We could pretty much have chosen any John Wayne movie made after 1960, but we thought the film for which he won his one and only Oscar was a good encapsulation of his latter body of work. In True Grit, 62-year-old Wayne plays Rooster Cogburn, a grumpy, tough-as-nails U.S. Marshal who takes up with a young girl to find the men who killed her father. Like the best tough guys in film, Cogburn is not someone you'd like to spend much time around, but there's no one you'd rather have on your side. Plus, "Fill your hands, you sonofabitch!" might be the coolest, weirdest thing anyone's ever said.

COMICSHarry Brown (2009) - As he was being the best father figure in history during his stint as Alfred in Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight films, Michael Caine proved that at 76, he could still be one cold-blooded revenge-taker. He's a former military man who decides to take on street crime in his neighborhood by himself after his dearest friend gets murdered. Boy howdy, we would not want to be those street thugs. Caine channeled his earlier performance in Get Carter to enact some brutal retribution. Word to the wise: do not cross Michael Caine or he'll blow your bloody doors off.

COMICSGran Torino (2008) - When Clint Eastwood's not giving a dressing-down to an empty chair, he proves he can still make people wet their pants just by squinting. At 78, Clint directed and starred in this movie about a guy so abrasive, he makes Rooster Cogburn look like Big Bird. He's the only one willing to stand up to gang members picking on innocent young people and he makes us believe he'll go the distance. He also makes "Get off my lawn!" have as much gravitas as "Do you feel lucky, punk?" Now go watch it as a double feature with Up and try telling us they're not the same movie!


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